Detach to Attach

Unclenching the Past to Embrace the Present and Future

January 5th, 2024

Associate Partner, Tutul Consulting

 Krishnan Vaidyanathan

The story of the Zen master pouring tea until the cup overflowed, aptly summarizes the essence of transitioning into a new perspective. While pouring, the master quietly advises with a smile, “You are like this cup — so full of your notions that nothing more will fit in. For learning, come with an empty cup.”

(*The title is adapted from a quote by Swami Chinmayanda)

“It is the resistance to change and not the change itself that is difficult.”

And where does this resistance come from? It stems from our past experiences and personal perceptions—what we prefer or dislike, and who we believe ourselves to be. As we undergo transitions in our lives, part of the process involves letting go of the old as we absorb and soak in the new. 

Transitioning into a New Perspective

Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) is an approach that’s focused on helping people deal with irrational beliefs and learn how to manage their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in a healthier, more realistic way.

It has 3 main principles:

  1. Unconditional self-acceptance

  2. Unconditional other acceptance

  3. Unconditional life acceptance

In order to be able to live these principles to their fullest, it becomes important to explore -

  1. The Activating event

  2. Your Beliefs that shape your thoughts about the event

  3. The Consequence or emotional response to the belief

What this demands of us, is to drop those beliefs that limit our learning and adaptability during the change. Our ability to give up our existing ideas and notions is so important when getting into any new situation. Few people talk about this aspect as it is the most difficult thing to do. 

Unlearning and Relearning

Learning or relearning a skill, like driving in a new country, demands shedding ingrained habits. For instance, adapting to UK driving norms requires unlearning habits like continuous clutch stomping or delayed signal usage. The 15 years of driving on and off in India have deeply conditioned me, making this adjustment quite challenging. Imagine how much more difficult it must be to discard long-held beliefs that shape our identity and define us.

Steve Zaffron and Dave Logan define these as our life sentences. These sentences stem from a critical event in our past and significantly influence our present selves & actions.

Embracing Change: Personal Struggles

The process of letting go in any transition is quintessential. Here are some beliefs I'm working on exploring and accepting in order to let go:

  • I am not good at selling. 

  • I am not an extroverted person and hence cannot do networking or business development. 

  • I do not have the mental makeup to take risks in an entrepreneurial venture. 

A Resolution for Change: Year 2024

In this new year and the season of hope, let us resolve to discard at least one limiting belief from our past - the life sentence we shoulder everywhere we go. Let us be open to experiencing the world and the people around us in a more complete and fulfilling manner.

Norman MacCaig’s poem, “Small Boy,” beautifully describes the small boy inside all of us throwing pebbles into the sea —practicing for a future when our fingers will unclench, and we’ll let go of many more things.

“Small Boy”
He picked up a pebble and threw it into the sea.
And another, and another. He couldn’t stop.
He wasn’t trying to fill the sea. He wasn’t trying to empty the beach.
He was just throwing away, nothing else but.
Like a kitten playing he was practicing for the future
when there’ll be so many things he’ll want to throw away
if only his fingers will unclench and let them go.

- Norman MacCaig

A Resolution for Change: Year 2024